Friday, July 03, 2009

A significant birthday

It is time again for us to to wish the Fifth Muse a happy birthday.

When we Irregulars set up shop back in the cybercretaceous era, we were all about the Muse - we even called her "ours" in a proprietary way, although she wrote compellingly about her life for, well, the whole Net. Frankly, it was a bit of a drama. But we felt engaged.

We also saw a need for comment and occasional nudges along the way, if she chose to accept them. We filled it in our fashion, which is mainly solid individually, enthusiastic certainly, but perhaps anarchic collectively. (And no, ma'am, it was never entirely about finding a date, although that issue figured prominently for you. I digress. Again. Imagine that...)

The Muse (wisely, we think, although we miss her) withdrew from semi-public anonymity to live life rather than blog about it. We're no longer party to her thoughts, but hope that she's still keeping a journal. Someplace quite private would be best.

Oh, we still hear occasional snippets about her life. She's around. But following her lead, we don't pry, and these days we chance only upon random items. Let us just say that she, like most people, has had good times, bad ones, and a triumph or two to which we have raised quiet glasses.

The Elgin Street Irregulars have obviously moved on too. We continue, likely less impassioned without her. The first great fling is always the most memorable... But we wish her well, and hope she has a decent date now and again. Happy Birthday, Muse!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

No place like gnome

Cedric celebrated Canada Day by hanging a patriotic banner in the window of ESI European headquarters in Florence.

All is peaceful today. But not so last night.

The tiny troll had a run-in with the carbinieri after guzzling a bit too much maple syrup. Seems he tried to climb the faux David statue outside the Palazzo Vecchio, alarming passersby.

Having discovered what a poor climber he is, I think the syrup is now stashed safely out of his miniscule reach.

Bring on the holy tacos

Yeah, yeah. I know Michael Jackson posts are already about passé. But I've been busy. And even at 3,500 feet, where the air is rare, the horizon blessedly wide, nightly howl-ups with my coyote brethren loud and yappy, and the Internet is dial-up and crappy, the King of Pop's sad death did not escape my notice.

Neither I'm sure, will the ensuing tawdry burlesque. It is, after all, one of the Independent Observer's favourite states for a reason.

Jackson's life was pure tabloid: a slow-motion circus train wreck. How would his dying change things? Especially with Joe Jackson, the ever-classy Rev. Al Sharpton, a cawing murder of publicity-hungry lawyers, the odd cellphone-camera totin' ambulance attendant, carpet-bombing Fox News 'reporters' and hordes of opportunistic alleged insiders, all gyrating out of the worm-riddled woodwork.

I'm not cynical or anything. Ummm, okay, maybe a little... I digress. But I figure we have only nanoseconds - maybe less - before the end game.

Which, if I read the signs aright, will be sightings of Jackson and Elvis, still alive. Eternally cruising the American heartland together in a white '68 Cadillac, leaving humongous tips with awestruck night shift attendants in isolated Seven Eleven gas stops. Who will sell their amazing stories to tabloid TV.

After that, it's a short inevitable hop to tales of corn tortillas adorned with the King of Pop's likeness. Blessed with miraculous powers. Oh, and steep admissions for supplicants that wish to bathe in their curative aura. Later to be hawked on eBay for thousands of bucks, and displayed in a highly legitimate casino museum on Sunset Strip.

Which reminds me. My breakfast Fritos this morning? I chanced upon this amazing silhouette of Michael Jackson on one of the chips. Hallelujah! I'm pretty sure it cured me. Of cynicism. Oh, yes. It's a freakin' - and I use that term advisedly - miracle! Bidders...?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Vegan Nightmare on Sparks Street

Yes, Ribfest, a.k.a. the best thing about Ottawa's so-called pedestrian mall, is back. And life is mouth-wateringly good.
Image: flickr.com

Sunday, June 21, 2009

BREAKING NEWS

Coyote spotted driving in downtown Ottawa

At first he doesn't see me (what a big nose he has)


Suddenly his keen doggie senses kick in (what big eyes he has)


Then he sees me, and I run for my life (what big teeth he has)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Room service? Send up Cirque du Soleil!




Cedric may be small but he knows some big rollers. For instance,
Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud, the world's 20th-richest person and co-owner of the Fairmont Hotel chain.

Seems Cedric met the prince when they were fellow master's students at Syracuse University. The budding billionaire took a liking to the little guy, who picked up some extra cash by faithfully shining the royal Mercedes.

The prince never forgot, and presented Cedric with a Christmas gift: a cross-country tour of Fairmont digs that recently took us to Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver.

Cedric let me come along, but I drew the line at calling him Your Highness. After all, he's a dwarf.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Google Poem: Not me

* I'm not the kind of person who likes medications but with my migraines I've always taken a double dose of advil

* I'm not the kind of person to come up to a friend/colleague/family member and talk like there's no tomorrow. It's not me – at all.

* And I'm not the kind of idiot who will eat worms or a box of thumb tacks if you dared me.

* I'm not the kind of guy who says one thing today and another thing tomorrow

* I'm not the kind of liberal who thinks safety net programs are the end all be all, but I do think they serve a serious and necessary purpose.

* Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of cheesball man, comfortably satisfied by watching junk tv missing the fun like a spoil sport.

* I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into.

* Normally I'm not the kind of guy who would go around encouraging people to look at my stuff

* I'm not the kind of person that instantly jumps on the "the world is gonna be nuked," "the Earth is heating up and New Jersey will be an underwater museum," bandwagon.

* Now granted, I'm not the kind of freak that needs the new and improved upgrade the day it's released,

* What should I do, I'm not the kind of person to be straightforward about these things.

* So, I'm not the kind of person who checks his email regularly, but this time I just had to, because my inbox has too many e-mails from Facebook.

* Andddd, yeah I'm not the kind of girl that ALWAYS have the perfect hair, perfect bangs, perfect face and everything.

* I'm not the kind of person who believes thieves ought to get off free.

* I'm not the kind of person who thinks there are certain things you just can not joke about.

* and I'm not the kind of person that thinks about taking pictures of clouds very often. In case you care.

* See...I'm not the kind of wife that can't sleep when her husband is not right next to her

* Because what I finally realized yesterday is that I'm not the kind of person who I used to be

* I'm not the kind of person who likes losing her time, but sometimes it feels good.

* I'm not the kind of artist who can paint the same kind of picture over and over, or write the same stuff over and over. I need to be on the move, exploring, failing, striving and challenging myself.

* I'm not the kind of guy who just sleeps with anyone

* I'm not the kind of person to not put in my two cents.

* I'm not the kind of girl to try to play a man out. I take the money and the gear and then break the hell out.

* And I'm not the kind of guy, I think you know, that spends a whole lot of time worrying these things.

[Source]

Friday, June 12, 2009

A carnival atmosphere

Y'know...

The thought of riffing just one more time on the weak-mindedness of politicians contributing to this town's carnival atmosphere makes me catastrophically weak in the knees. All four.

And after all, with the onset of full-on festival season in the Nation's Cap, the chimp house on the Hill becomes a mere second banana sideshow, albeit one with the undisputed entertainment value of high pitched screeching and gratuitously flung poo.

But this weekend, thank Dog, we can dive into two truly excellent little affairs that have nothing to do with politicians. Except for the inevitable drive-by glad handing, which Ottawattamies have learned to ignore with blasé shrugs and understated lip curls. Tsk. I digress.

In Centretown, Le Festival Franco-Ontarien has set up shop with a big main stage, a Ferris wheel 'n everythin', in front of City Hall. I'm pretty sure any politicians will mostly be safely locked inside. The musical line-up looks like good times.

And out in deepest Westboro is the free and extraordinarily kickass little WestFest. The musical line-up also looks like good times.

And if neither of those grab your butt, Zoom has a bunch more options posted. My best advice? Stock up on bus tickets, cab fare, or chain oil. Shuttle back and forth with un-Ottawa-like abandon! Fest early! Fest often! It's finally the season again for actual real people - and coyotes - in this burg...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2009-06-10

Venue: The Usual Spot

Present: Agatha, 4th Dwarf, Coyote, Woodsy, Independent Observer

Absent apparently w/o Regrets: Chair, Conch Shell

Brief discussion of who will take minutes. 4D grudgingly accepts duty even though he did it last time and Aggie uses a sarcastic tone when saying he always does a good job of the minutes.

1. Wither the Blog

A: We need a project.

C: Yeah, we're like the Blahhg

W: I find it works best when we're random

C: We had a purpose when we started.

W: Get over it.

A: We need a new mission and vision.

W: I don't want to be pigeon-holed "that's what we do"....The Bank Street Irr... what were they? Irrelevants? (yes) they saw us as adventurers.

A: We need to go out and get in trouble again.

W: We're supposed to be metabloggers.

C: What about Kady O'Malley or some other high-profile person?

A: Make it our mission to find a new blogger? What about getting her to an emergency meeting? We could try to get a high-profile person to:

  • notice our blog
  • read our blog
  • comment on our blog

IO arrives, 4D reads out what has gone before.

W: We could post simplified postings of the high profile blogger's postings.

IO: Aren't we patronising enough already?

A: What is our forté?

IO: Random observations on Ottawa life...

Someone recalls that we had decided to do more field trips at a previous emergency meeting. Several venues that purvey alcoholic beverages are proposed. Members begin tossing out ideas:

A: Stalking

W: Random art - like those balloons

C: or El Maks

4D: Aggie, could you elaborate on "stalking"?

A: It's something we used to do a lot of...

C: Fieldwork.

4D: I used to do fieldwork.

C: Yeah. Like the first time you got hung out to dry.

[4D gets all wistful and there is a brief conversation about when exactly the dwarf was first hung out to dry.]

4D: You know a fieldwork posting that I wish we had done? When Zoom went to the open house in the building the mayor lives in.

The possibility of blogging unsubstantiated and unreported rumours about marital discord in the life of a prominent politician is raised.

4D: Suppose let's say one of us blogged this, let's say it was our old friend 6th Apostle, our 30 readers might be entertained. Then a month later, the wife files for divorce. Suddenly it's a big story. And someone notices that 6th Apostle had the scoop. Do you think there might be a lot of attention focussed on exactly who that blogger is? Would you want that attention, Coyote?

W: I want attention, but I want healthy attention. [Woodsy relates another blogger's experience of RCMP IP addresses showing up in her blog's statistics.]

A: We don't want the police after us.

4D: Should we run a story that main-stream media won't?

IO: The blog is not authoritative. It's just a bunch of people seeing things. It doesn't claim to be news.

W: Like when People Magazine has a psychiatrist talk about a celebrity and they say "this therapist is not treating"

IO: People Magazine is up here [he puts his hand up as high as it can go]. We're down here [he holds his hand about a foot above the floor.]

4D: So we should speculate on just what Harper was doing in that bathroom in Normandy?

IO: Exactly.

2. The Chair and Conch Shell

A: What shall we do about them?

W: We tried... We had the schedule.

A: Stroke their egos?

Not to provide a solution, but to provide a context for any possible solution, 4D pontificates on the complex psychology involving perfectionism and peer influence that works to prevent the Chair and Conch Shell from posting.

The possibility of tricking them into attending an emergency meeting is discussed along with other methods to bring about their attendance.

IO: You can shame someone to a meeting, but you can't make them blog.

W: Conchie is very busy.

A: We're all busy.

W: I would love regular summaries on celebrities from Conch Shell.

A: Do we want them back?

W: Yes. I like their stuff.

C: It helps to have a couple more view points.

4D writes "F--- them. I'm bitter" in his notebook and shows the others.

IO: Maybe we should metablog them.

A: How would we metablog them when they don't blog.

IO: Stalk them. We might scare them into blogging.

W: Now, now, nothing mean. Be nice.

IO: It can't be all carrot; there has to be stick.

3. Colours

Woodsy reminds us of the reason she called the meeting and asks for our colour choices.

IO: Blue

A: Speckled purple

C: tan and grey

4D: red and white just like my swim suit

4. Lunch with Woodsy

Woodsy mentions she will be having lunch with a prominent local blogger soon. 4D suggests she could blog it and make it a regular feature: Lunch with Woodsy. All agree that this would be excellent.

W: I could even have lunch with each of you and blog it.

4D: Be careful. You don't want to create an expectation that is unfulfilled. Like if someone said they were going to write profiles on all of us and then only did one.

W: Why? Did somebody do that? [4D, IO and C point at Aggie.]

A: I could still do that.

5. What About Bob?

It is noted that we are still waiting for Bob to decide what prize he wants because he asked for something that he already had. We decide to update the contest winners in the sidebar.

6. Back to the Chair and Conch Shell

A: What do we like that the Chair does?


A: And Conch Shell?

7. Merchandise

Aggie suggests we need merchandise. 4D points out that he sold 3 shirts.

Aggie looks at her watch and announces she needs to leave.

Meeting adjourned.

A cure to cry for

It is spring. Heck, it's almost summer. But it doesn't really feel like winter's truly over. Many people are still sick. Some are paranoid about getting swine flu.

The guy at the shawarma shop where I get my coffee has the cure.

"Eat an onion," he says. "Do not cook onion. Just eat the onion raw. Whole thing. Raw."

In addition to possibly curing your cold / flu / blahs, it will ensure you do not pick up any of these ailments from a person of the opposite sex.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

We want you, Jasmine!

Dear Jasmine,

Sometimes this world can really make you feel like a loser. We know that over here at the ESI Academy. Now that you are jobless and injunctionless, we would like to welcome you into the ESI family. Since the Chair and Conch Shell stopped blogging, and I have had my own problems blogging, we have spaces available. You have all the qualities we need in an ESI blogger:

1) You are hot. We like that over here. Let's face it, hotness matters!
2) You lose shit. We just love your Attention to Deficitness.... In fact, it just makes you all the more attractive to us.
3) You record people without them knowing. We love that you recorded your boss being a complete cow. If more folks did this, it would be a better world. Jasmine, you rock! Imagine all the field work we could do with you! We'll get you a new recording device and you can get started right away.
4) You are well connected, apparently. We need all the social capital we can get over here. We need you, Jasmine. With you, we could win all those blog contests hands down.
5) You like cocktails and pizza. Guess what? We do, too!! .

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Artsy Fartsy Loo

Bob, is this not the most beautiful loo you've ever seen?

I didn't know if I should pee or genuflect...